I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
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So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
#oldknees
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Beware of fowl play.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
broke down and did it
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.