I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
You Might Also Like
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Xylophonist Shredding It
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.