I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
You Might Also Like
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Thrilling chase underway
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her