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@GoldenSpirals: I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
@weinerdog4life: One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn't want to be part of tea party club anymore.
@thongbeard: Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
@SardonicTart: Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he's named after a religious bundle of hay.
@michaelianblack: The phrase "Whatever floats your boat" is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that's going to float your boat is water.
@IamEnidColeslaw: okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he's coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I'M WEARING TWO BRAS