[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
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I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.