I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
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Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.