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I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*