Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
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Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Animal poetry
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.