I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
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constantly working on myself.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
some Old Testament wisdom
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Today’s Times
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
my name if I was in the mob