I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
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Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
saving face 👀
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?