@RexHuppke: I went into Whole Foods tonight and yelled, "Somebody's Labradoodle just jumped out of a parked Subaru!" and everyone ran out.
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@dongfuture: Can you say your strengths? “Your strengths” No like what are they “My legs maybe” No, like for work “Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
@TheMichaelRock: Hell hath no fury like a white woman emailing Target after a bad shopping experience.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Don't forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else's house and telling everyone it's yours, then closing the post office.