[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
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I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
WTF
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out