I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
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Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
man: wait
time: no
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.