I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
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me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…