I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
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The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I bet
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.