I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
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I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.