I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
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Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
How I like cutting carbs
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.