I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
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When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Plant care tips
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]