I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
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Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.