All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
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A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today