Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
You Might Also Like
Born to be mild.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.