Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
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Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
somebody come look at this
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey