Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
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We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??