I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
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I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day