I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
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[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Support your local cemetery
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.