I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
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Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.