I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
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At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’