I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
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I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Tony Hawk, age 6
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.