I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
You Might Also Like
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
*updates tinder bio*
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?