I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
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Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.