I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
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“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
whatcha thinkin bout
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera