If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
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gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.