Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
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Why am I like this?
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Lol.