@moose_chocolate: I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
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@AimeeHelene1: 'Dances with Wolves'... But it's just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
@AnOrangeSNES: [Victora's Secret] Wife: You're the most supportive person I know. *A person made of bras walks by* Me: Um what about that guy?
@AdamWeinstein: "WE HERE AT BIG PHARMA RECOGNIZE THAT WHEN YOU'RE DEPENDENT ON ADDICTIVE OPIOID PAINKILLERS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS YOU CAN'T POOP"
@weinerdog4life: When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can't get over the fence