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Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Holy shit he’s back
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.