@moose_chocolate: I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
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@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "Did you lock the backdoor?" Me: "Yes I did." Burglar from downstairs: "No he didn't!"
@Probgoblin: Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
@Chumpstring: KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I'm holding your son for ransom. DAD: I have no money, what's the ransom? KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.
@mjkspeaks: [girlfriend finally texts back] ME: i’m so mad at you. HER: i’m naked come over. ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe