I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
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Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
no such thing as a dumb question
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer