@Schmoodles: I will totally judge you based on your choice of breakfast cereal, you unfrosted weirdo.
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@Shingaboop: Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don't make enough money to have a drug habit.
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife told me not to say anything about her friend's lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
@panmidwest: DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text DOG FRIEND: which color heart? DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one DOG FRIEND: omg