You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
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Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.