*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
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Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Lmaoo 😂
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school