@ChemBtwnUs: I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.
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@NinjaSweatpants: Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
@causticbob: "Susan, will you marry me?" "Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!" Ten grand later and it's still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
@SortaBad: When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from 'balancing on edge of bed' to 'snow angel'