@ChemBtwnUs: I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.
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@sixfootcandy: Him: Why are you late? Me: I was at church. Him: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
@squirrel74wkgn: (Age 22) *chugs bottle of water* Let's shoot some more hoops! (Age 42) *chugs bottle of water* I gotta pee.
@Brianhopecomedy: I've tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
@Tups13: "Of course you can trust me. Look, I'll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I'll catch you." *Bing! Twitter notification!* Thud.