Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
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waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Me trying to “trust the process”
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted