@ChemBtwnUs: I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.
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@Gre_Gone: Interviewer: Any special skills? Me: Eclairvoyance. Him: I don't understand. Me: There's a box of donuts in your desk Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
@outsmartedmommy: The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
@iwearaonesie: me: Go back! uber driver: Did I miss the turn? me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]