So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
You Might Also Like
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off