I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
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Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.