I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
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Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
🖤✌🏽
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Customer is always right