I wish all tests were things you peed on
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So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete