if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
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I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.