I wish gyms had a “montage” option
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Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
that colleague who touches your screen
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought