*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
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The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs