I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
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The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.