I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
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Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
3% human
97% stress
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day