@trashtastica: I wish I could feed people I don't like to my cat.
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@NoBadHairDays2: A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine. My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
@korryduke: Do you smell smoke? I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
@longwall26: Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag. *suspect puts face in hands* Detective Baby: HE'S ESCAPED
@MouthOfSass: Pretty sure the neighbors are impressed with the banging and screaming they heard. Little do they know it was just me chasing a spider.