I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
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ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”