I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
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Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
You got this…
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is