Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
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#MeanwhileinCanada
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.