In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
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One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
britain’s three elite institutions
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar