[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
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There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Well, that didn’t work.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.